GOT TIME POOR
I never thought it could happen to me. I used to be freakin’ rolling in time. I’d swim in my time bin like Uncle Scrooge. I’d whip out a cigar and light it with a burning time-dollar bill. But then I got a job and now I don’t got a second to spare, I got desperate and didn’t know how to fix it…. but then I saw this dude strolling down the street like he had all the time in the world, and I knew...
PISSED OFF DR DOOLITTLE Eddie Murphy used to be awesome, but it’s painfully clear that he peaked long ago with Delirious. Raw was good - not Delirious good, but good nonetheless. Coming To America was also fairly rad. But then we got the steaming nugget of crap that was Norbit, the eye-scratchingly unfunny Nutty Professor (who the hell authorised a sequel to that thalidomide baby of a...
LAMENTED WASTED TALENT Dude’s got a double-bladed flaming sword. And his mate there has fiery nunchukkas or something. So what the fuck are they doing entertaining tourists? Boys need to go get themselves some bad-ass costumes and start robbing banks; no cop in the world is gonna stop you when you pull out a dirty great pig-sticker and Flame On with that bad boy. What’s up with kids...
WATCHED A WOMAN GIVE BIRTH IN A FIELD
It was in India, where we have to assume this kind of thing happens all the time. She turned around and caught me watching but didn’t seem to mind so much, what with the birth and all. My friend Gupta, he was born in a field and it didn’t seem to do him much harm. Sure, he’s a leper and smells like cat’s piss, but still… pretty well-rounded guy, you know?
APPLIED FOR A JOB AS EDITOR OF A LESBIAN MAGAZINE
It’s true, I did. They didn’t tell me the mag name in the application, but I’m almost certain it was Lesbians on the Loose. I had some big plans for that rag, plans including, but not limited to, free sweatbands with the Easter issue (lesbians cut sick for sweatbands), and the bumper summer issue would come with a Lezzers on the Loose bumper sticker for their dirt bikes.