PRETENDED TO BE AN ABUSIVE SOCCER DAD
I only do this when I’ve had a massive bender the night before, so that by 11am I’ve got that really stale, sour boozy smell seeping rankly out of my pores. Sometimes I haven’t even been to bed, which also works well because it gives me that manic, wild-eyed look that makes people afraid to approach me. The rest is easy – I just rock up to an under-9’s soccer game, pick a kid and start hurling...
HAD A FIGHT OVER TEMPERATURE
Mikey sits next to me in the office. Mikey is an arctic dictator hell-bent on making me suffer the frozen ravages of air-con set at minus three degrees Celsius because he is physiologically ill-equipped to survive at normal temperatures. When he’s away from his desk I sneak over to the thermostat and pump the shit out it, I push it right up to, like, 27 degrees - sometimes more - and sure...
PASHED A MIDGET #1
I’ve actually pashed two midgets. The first was in Barcelona, I was staggering down Las Ramblas with my brother and we were utterly pole-axed. This little midget girl turns up from somewhere and starts keeping pace with me, which means she’s almost running. I kept walking faster and faster, I must have got her up to ten, twelve K’s an hour there for a bit. When we turn the corner she takes a...
REFUSED TO BUY A RAFFLE TICKET
These kids rang my doorbell selling raffle tickets for their school. They were pretty cute, I’ll give them that, but I didn’t have any cash on me, so I told them I didn’t want to buy any of their stupid tickets. They just stood there blinking, unsure of what to do next. It was pretty obvious to me that they were clearly such cute kids they’d never faced rejection before -...
GOT A TEXT FROM A MATE ON A BLIND DATE
“At Martin Place with an RSVP.com date. Pretty face, good cans. Fat. Like not super fat, but fat to us.” ‘Us’? Ain’t no ‘us’, kemosabe. I don’t need the internet to pull birds. Not anymore.