What I Done

While you go to work and fumble around in that greasy till to scratch out a modest living for yourself, I am off doing things. Important things! Scary things! All kinds of . . . of things, man. All sorts of, y'know, stuff. Ferocious stuff.

(Found yourself misrepresented and want to letterhate me? Feel free. Know that I reserve the right to respond in kind though, so make sure you're prepped for retaliation before you commit. benny_barnett@yahoo.com.au)
FELT SORRY FOR HIM
I don’t know what the Hulk did to get kicked out of the Avengers but his new super team consists of a ginger kid and a Mexican child bride. HULK SMASH…. his career prospects.

FELT SORRY FOR HIM

I don’t know what the Hulk did to get kicked out of the Avengers but his new super team consists of a ginger kid and a Mexican child bride. HULK SMASH…. his career prospects.

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CALLED AN ADULT
Hey Luke Kidstalker, did you not see what just happened to Rolf Harris? And is that the same bowl cut you had when you used to bullseye womp rats in your T-16 back home when you were all of, like, eleven? Might be time for a new haircut big guy. 

CALLED AN ADULT

Hey Luke Kidstalker, did you not see what just happened to Rolf Harris? And is that the same bowl cut you had when you used to bullseye womp rats in your T-16 back home when you were all of, like, eleven? Might be time for a new haircut big guy. 

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FIGURED OUT WHO ATE ALL THE PIES
Jesus dude. You really let yourself go. Also, you’ve got gravy on your chin. Oh. You don’t care. Awesome. Hey what’s in your bag, is it pizza? I bet it’s pizza.

FIGURED OUT WHO ATE ALL THE PIES

Jesus dude. You really let yourself go. Also, you’ve got gravy on your chin. Oh. You don’t care. Awesome. Hey what’s in your bag, is it pizza? I bet it’s pizza.

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HUNG OUT WITH IRISH CATHOLICS
They’ve had so many children they’re running out of names. They’ve started adding numbers on the end, half of the little bastards sound like email addresses. I tried giving them contraception but he uses the spermicide as shaving cream and she gives the diaphragms to the kids to wear as hats. God only knows what they’re doing with the condoms.

HUNG OUT WITH IRISH CATHOLICS

They’ve had so many children they’re running out of names. They’ve started adding numbers on the end, half of the little bastards sound like email addresses. I tried giving them contraception but he uses the spermicide as shaving cream and she gives the diaphragms to the kids to wear as hats. God only knows what they’re doing with the condoms.

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CALLED IN THE SWAT TEAM
Chad from Sales has taken the entire Accounts Department hostage and is threatening to kill one geek an hour until his demands are met. He wants a date with Hannah from Reception and a Tab vending machine in the break room but Hannah won’t date him and I’m pretty sure they don’t even make Tab anymore so it looks like we’re going to have to shoot him.

CALLED IN THE SWAT TEAM

Chad from Sales has taken the entire Accounts Department hostage and is threatening to kill one geek an hour until his demands are met. He wants a date with Hannah from Reception and a Tab vending machine in the break room but Hannah won’t date him and I’m pretty sure they don’t even make Tab anymore so it looks like we’re going to have to shoot him.

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HIT THE CANTINA
"Yeah, it’s Boba. What? No, fuck that guy. No more missions. Dude I spent the last three months inside a Sarlacc, what I want now is a hot tub, slave Leia, and a big bag of Alderran’s finest."

HIT THE CANTINA

"Yeah, it’s Boba. What? No, fuck that guy. No more missions. Dude I spent the last three months inside a Sarlacc, what I want now is a hot tub, slave Leia, and a big bag of Alderran’s finest."

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INVITED BATMAN TO APPEAR AT MY SCHOOL
After addressing the assembly on the dangers of marijuana he popped a smoke grenade and disappeared, along with six pre-schoolers and half of Mrs Simpkins’ Year 3 class. We think his cape was riddled with chloroform and gummi bears. Unless one of the abducted children turns up as Robin in about eight years time, we’re going to have to assume the worst.

INVITED BATMAN TO APPEAR AT MY SCHOOL

After addressing the assembly on the dangers of marijuana he popped a smoke grenade and disappeared, along with six pre-schoolers and half of Mrs Simpkins’ Year 3 class. We think his cape was riddled with chloroform and gummi bears. Unless one of the abducted children turns up as Robin in about eight years time, we’re going to have to assume the worst.

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VISITED A REMOTE NATIONAL PARK
What kind of weirdo waves at a naked guy with binoculars and possibly an erection? Fine, definitely an erection.

VISITED A REMOTE NATIONAL PARK

What kind of weirdo waves at a naked guy with binoculars and possibly an erection? Fine, definitely an erection.

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KISSED MILEY CYRUS
Six tequila chasers and I still can’t get the taste of bin juice, tetanus and Pit Bull out of my mouth. If this one doesn’t work I’m moving to bleach.

KISSED MILEY CYRUS

Six tequila chasers and I still can’t get the taste of bin juice, tetanus and Pit Bull out of my mouth. If this one doesn’t work I’m moving to bleach.

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VISITED MY COUSIN EDUARDO
He works on a tobacco plantation, screams at his mother, and knife fights for Jesus on weekends. I’m spending the summer with him to learn how to seduce women. He says I’m his toughest assignment yet.

VISITED MY COUSIN EDUARDO

He works on a tobacco plantation, screams at his mother, and knife fights for Jesus on weekends. I’m spending the summer with him to learn how to seduce women. He says I’m his toughest assignment yet.

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TRIED, AND TRIED, AND TRIED
But no matter what I do I can’t seem to please the unimpressed robot head on the ceiling. God, sometimes I think he’ll never be happy.

TRIED, AND TRIED, AND TRIED

But no matter what I do I can’t seem to please the unimpressed robot head on the ceiling. God, sometimes I think he’ll never be happy.

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DIDN’T GET ENOUGH OF THAT WONDERFUL DUFF
I’d bet fifty bucks he’s tapping both of these broads. It’s Duffman, fer chrissakes. The guy’s basically a walking boner.

DIDN’T GET ENOUGH OF THAT WONDERFUL DUFF

I’d bet fifty bucks he’s tapping both of these broads. It’s Duffman, fer chrissakes. The guy’s basically a walking boner.

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EAVESDROPPED
Wellity wellity wellity! What do you reckon these two scallywags are talking about with their cigarettes and their Starbucks and their stovepipe jeans and their lad caps and their pale skin and their forearm tattoos and their unkempt hair and their oh my god I don’t even care.

EAVESDROPPED

Wellity wellity wellity! What do you reckon these two scallywags are talking about with their cigarettes and their Starbucks and their stovepipe jeans and their lad caps and their pale skin and their forearm tattoos and their unkempt hair and their oh my god I don’t even care.

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CRUNCHED THE NUMBERS
Can you even imagine the amount of cumulative beatings these guys have  taken in their respective lifetimes, all without ever learning how to defend themselves? They’re like inverse Ultimate Fighters.

CRUNCHED THE NUMBERS

Can you even imagine the amount of cumulative beatings these guys have¬† taken in their respective lifetimes, all without ever learning how to defend themselves? They’re like inverse Ultimate Fighters.

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KEPT A STORAGE UNIT
If Storage Wars ever busted into my locker four sad old blokes in mustaches and fishing vests would find themselves bidding on six boxes of vintage 1981 Playboys, an Ab Roller, and the body of next door’s cat, who I locked in here as punishment for something and promptly forgot about. From the looks of things Mr Mittens survived on washing powder for the first couple of weeks, but perished before he discovered the biscuits.

KEPT A STORAGE UNIT

If Storage Wars ever busted into my locker four sad old blokes in mustaches and fishing vests would find themselves bidding on six boxes of vintage 1981 Playboys, an Ab Roller, and the body of next door’s cat, who I locked in here as punishment for something and promptly forgot about. From the looks of things Mr Mittens survived on washing powder for the first couple of weeks, but perished before he discovered the biscuits.

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