What I Done

While you go to work and fumble around in that greasy till to scratch out a modest living for yourself, I am off doing things. Important things! Scary things! All kinds of . . . of things, man. All sorts of, y'know, stuff. Ferocious stuff.

(Found yourself misrepresented and want to letterhate me? Feel free. Know that I reserve the right to respond in kind though, so make sure you're prepped for retaliation before you commit. benny_barnett@yahoo.com.au)
LOOSENED MY PANTS
BBQ ribs and slim Filipino men. Best. Birthday. Ever.

LOOSENED MY PANTS

BBQ ribs and slim Filipino men. Best. Birthday. Ever.

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SUSPECTED
There’s something about an old bald guy in sandals and short shorts quietly watering his pot plants that screams “sex offender” in a way that nineteen crying five year-olds in his pantry simply cannot replicate.

SUSPECTED

There’s something about an old bald guy in sandals and short shorts quietly watering his pot plants that screams “sex offender” in a way that nineteen crying five year-olds in his pantry simply cannot replicate.

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MISSED THE ORGY BOAT
My spray tan took longer than expected and I got to the pier too late. Probably shouldn’t have stopped in for that colonic either.

MISSED THE ORGY BOAT

My spray tan took longer than expected and I got to the pier too late. Probably shouldn’t have stopped in for that colonic either.

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MISSED OUT ON THE RAPTURE
The best bit about not being Chosen? All the free shoes I want! Although judging by some of the empty kicks lying around, there’s an awful lot of Big Issues for sale in Heaven right now.

MISSED OUT ON THE RAPTURE

The best bit about not being Chosen? All the free shoes I want! Although judging by some of the empty kicks lying around, there’s an awful lot of Big Issues for sale in Heaven right now.

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MEDIATED
The stems of my house plant had a big fight and now they’re not talking. Kourtney called Kim fat and Kim said Khloe has bitchy resting face and Khloe said Kourtney is hogging all the good nutrients from the dirt. The dirt is Kris Jenner.

MEDIATED

The stems of my house plant had a big fight and now they’re not talking. Kourtney called Kim fat and Kim said Khloe has bitchy resting face and Khloe said Kourtney is hogging all the good nutrients from the dirt. The dirt is Kris Jenner.

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FOUND THIS TERRIFYING CLOWN MURAL
No matter where you stand, his eyes look at your junk.

FOUND THIS TERRIFYING CLOWN MURAL

No matter where you stand, his eyes look at your junk.

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RAN A BATH
To enjoy a really good bath you need some partially-undressed Barbie dolls, The Little Mermaid, and a lemon juicer. Shh, don’t ask questions. Just put this lipstick on and get undressed while I go fetch the turkey baster.

RAN A BATH

To enjoy a really good bath you need some partially-undressed Barbie dolls, The Little Mermaid, and a lemon juicer. Shh, don’t ask questions. Just put this lipstick on and get undressed while I go fetch the turkey baster.

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FISHED IN PEACE
Thanks to new council regulations the pier is now off limits to mall cops, Justin Bieber, fat lazy people, Justin Bieber, Greens politicians hosting positive press junkets, and Justin Bieber. Maybe now the fish will come back, too.

FISHED IN PEACE

Thanks to new council regulations the pier is now off limits to mall cops, Justin Bieber, fat lazy people, Justin Bieber, Greens politicians hosting positive press junkets, and Justin Bieber. Maybe now the fish will come back, too.

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REMEMBERED A TIME WHEN COCKTAILS MEANT SOMETHING
Maybe I’m just getting sentimental, but I remember a time when men could clock off work and head straight to the bar in their suits and hats and waistcoats and drink whisky and vodka for four hours with other men and then stumble home and yell at their wife and kick the cat and wake up on the couch with a head like a plane crash and get up and do it all again the next day. What happened to the good ol’ days? Where have all the cowboys gone?

REMEMBERED A TIME WHEN COCKTAILS MEANT SOMETHING

Maybe I’m just getting sentimental, but I remember a time when men could clock off work and head straight to the bar in their suits and hats and waistcoats and drink whisky and vodka for four hours with other men and then stumble home and yell at their wife and kick the cat and wake up on the couch with a head like a plane crash and get up and do it all again the next day. What happened to the good ol’ days? Where have all the cowboys gone?

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SMACKED HIM
Where the hell have you been? You disappear for three days now you show up with glitter in your fur and more eyeliner than Jared Leto. Plus you smell like lube. Jesus.

SMACKED HIM

Where the hell have you been? You disappear for three days now you show up with glitter in your fur and more eyeliner than Jared Leto. Plus you smell like lube. Jesus.

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MADE A PILGRIMAGE TO THE WASHING MACHINE GRAVEYARD
This is it, the place where old whitegoods come to die. Kinda hard to pay my respects with all these old Greek women wailing and flaying each other with wet dishcloths though.

MADE A PILGRIMAGE TO THE WASHING MACHINE GRAVEYARD

This is it, the place where old whitegoods come to die. Kinda hard to pay my respects with all these old Greek women wailing and flaying each other with wet dishcloths though.

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HIT THE PUB
Hey ladies, need to use the bathroom? First you’ve got to get past Toilet Guy. You know Toilet Guy. He’s the boozed-up chav with the sweaty lips and rapey eyes standing so close to the dunny door you’ve practically got to sleep with him to get inside. Well, it’s either that or sexual assault. Either way, somebody’s getting pregnant tonight.

HIT THE PUB

Hey ladies, need to use the bathroom? First you’ve got to get past Toilet Guy. You know Toilet Guy. He’s the boozed-up chav with the sweaty lips and rapey eyes standing so close to the dunny door you’ve practically got to sleep with him to get inside. Well, it’s either that or sexual assault. Either way, somebody’s getting pregnant tonight.

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TRIED TO PRAY. COULDN’T.
Who painted that cherub, Trey Parker? What’s up with those eyebrows? And why does he look surprised to see me?

TRIED TO PRAY. COULDN’T.

Who painted that cherub, Trey Parker? What’s up with those eyebrows? And why does he look surprised to see me?

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LEFT IT THERE
Have you ever wanted to spit in a sleeping person’s mouth just to see what would happen only you miss and get their glasses instead and also they’ve got a mullet?

LEFT IT THERE

Have you ever wanted to spit in a sleeping person’s mouth just to see what would happen only you miss and get their glasses instead and also they’ve got a mullet?

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WATCHED.
I’ve been staring at these turtles for three hours and I still can’t figure out what the little freaks are doing. It’s either a really average Stacks On or the world’s most boring orgy.

WATCHED.

I’ve been staring at these turtles for three hours and I still can’t figure out what the little freaks are doing. It’s either a really average Stacks On or the world’s most boring orgy.

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