What I Done

While you go to work and fumble around in that greasy till to scratch out a modest living for yourself, I am off doing things. Important things! Scary things! All kinds of . . . of things, man. All sorts of, y'know, stuff. Ferocious stuff.

(Found yourself misrepresented and want to letterhate me? Feel free. Know that I reserve the right to respond in kind though, so make sure you're prepped for retaliation before you commit. benny_barnett@yahoo.com.au)
REMEMBERED A TIME WHEN COCKTAILS MEANT SOMETHING
Maybe I’m just getting sentimental, but I remember a time when men could clock off work and head straight to the bar in their suits and hats and waistcoats and drink whisky and vodka for four hours with other men and then stumble home and yell at their wife and kick the cat and wake up on the couch with a head like a plane crash and get up and do it all again the next day. What happened to the good ol’ days? Where have all the cowboys gone?

REMEMBERED A TIME WHEN COCKTAILS MEANT SOMETHING

Maybe I’m just getting sentimental, but I remember a time when men could clock off work and head straight to the bar in their suits and hats and waistcoats and drink whisky and vodka for four hours with other men and then stumble home and yell at their wife and kick the cat and wake up on the couch with a head like a plane crash and get up and do it all again the next day. What happened to the good ol’ days? Where have all the cowboys gone?

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SMACKED HIM
Where the hell have you been? You disappear for three days now you show up with glitter in your fur and more eyeliner than Jared Leto. Plus you smell like lube. Jesus.

SMACKED HIM

Where the hell have you been? You disappear for three days now you show up with glitter in your fur and more eyeliner than Jared Leto. Plus you smell like lube. Jesus.

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MADE A PILGRIMAGE TO THE WASHING MACHINE GRAVEYARD
This is it, the place where old whitegoods come to die. Kinda hard to pay my respects with all these old Greek women wailing and flaying each other with wet dishcloths though.

MADE A PILGRIMAGE TO THE WASHING MACHINE GRAVEYARD

This is it, the place where old whitegoods come to die. Kinda hard to pay my respects with all these old Greek women wailing and flaying each other with wet dishcloths though.

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HIT THE PUB
Hey ladies, need to use the bathroom? First you’ve got to get past Toilet Guy. You know Toilet Guy. He’s the boozed-up chav with the sweaty lips and rapey eyes standing so close to the dunny door you’ve practically got to sleep with him to get inside. Well, it’s either that or sexual assault. Either way you’ll be pregnant.

HIT THE PUB

Hey ladies, need to use the bathroom? First you’ve got to get past Toilet Guy. You know Toilet Guy. He’s the boozed-up chav with the sweaty lips and rapey eyes standing so close to the dunny door you’ve practically got to sleep with him to get inside. Well, it’s either that or sexual assault. Either way you’ll be pregnant.

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HIT THE PUB
Hey ladies, need to use the bathroom? First you’ve got to get past Toilet Guy. You know Toilet Guy. He’s the boozed-up chav with the sweaty lips and rapey eyes standing so close to the dunny door you’ve practically got to sleep with him to get inside. Well, it’s either that or sexual assault. Either way, somebody’s getting pregnant tonight.

HIT THE PUB

Hey ladies, need to use the bathroom? First you’ve got to get past Toilet Guy. You know Toilet Guy. He’s the boozed-up chav with the sweaty lips and rapey eyes standing so close to the dunny door you’ve practically got to sleep with him to get inside. Well, it’s either that or sexual assault. Either way, somebody’s getting pregnant tonight.

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TRIED TO PRAY. COULDN’T.
Who painted that cherub, Trey Parker? What’s up with those eyebrows and why does he look surprised to see me?

TRIED TO PRAY. COULDN’T.

Who painted that cherub, Trey Parker? What’s up with those eyebrows and why does he look surprised to see me?

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LEFT IT THERE
Have you ever wanted to spit in a sleeping person’s mouth just to see what would happen only you miss and get their glasses instead and also they’ve got a mullet?

LEFT IT THERE

Have you ever wanted to spit in a sleeping person’s mouth just to see what would happen only you miss and get their glasses instead and also they’ve got a mullet?

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WATCHED.
I’ve been staring at these turtles for three hours and I still can’t figure out what the little freaks are doing. It’s either a really average Stacks On or the world’s most boring orgy.

WATCHED.

I’ve been staring at these turtles for three hours and I still can’t figure out what the little freaks are doing. It’s either a really average Stacks On or the world’s most boring orgy.

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LEFT THE INNER WEST
I can’t. Not anymore. Marrickville, Haberfield, Annandale, they’re all chock full of this Nu Hipster scum poncing about and lousing everything up. “Oooh, we’re normcore”. Ah, you rent an incinerator in an abandoned paper factory and clean each other with dry-wash shampoo because you don’t have running water yet you still manage to kick around in $200 flannies. No, no you’re not. Now come over here and get your dick punch.

LEFT THE INNER WEST

I can’t. Not anymore. Marrickville, Haberfield, Annandale, they’re all chock full of this Nu Hipster scum poncing about and lousing everything up. “Oooh, we’re normcore”. Ah, you rent an incinerator in an abandoned paper factory and clean each other with dry-wash shampoo because you don’t have running water yet you still manage to kick around in $200 flannies. No, no you’re not. Now come over here and get your dick punch.

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BEAT THE LOCKOUT
Sydney’s Saturday nights have turned from slow-burn all-nighters into pounding sixty tequilas and taking all your drugs before 10pm then wandering around the backstreets of Ku-Ring-Gai for five hours trying to find Barry O’Farrells house to give him the petition you don’t realise you’ve left back in the dunnies at Shady Pines which you now can’t get into because it’s after 1am. #LOL.

BEAT THE LOCKOUT

Sydney’s Saturday nights have turned from slow-burn all-nighters into pounding sixty tequilas and taking all your drugs before 10pm then wandering around the backstreets of Ku-Ring-Gai for five hours trying to find Barry O’Farrells house to give him the petition you don’t realise you’ve left back in the dunnies at Shady Pines which you now can’t get into because it’s after 1am. #LOL.

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BRED ATTACK DOLPHINS
For six months we’ve fed them nothing but human flesh and bath salts. Once I’m confident they can swallow a breast implant, we’re going to go lay siege to Miami.

BRED ATTACK DOLPHINS

For six months we’ve fed them nothing but human flesh and bath salts. Once I’m confident they can swallow a breast implant, we’re going to go lay siege to Miami.

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WARMED UP MY WEDGIE HAND
Well well well, if it isn’t the Nerd Patrol. A (snigger) Tusken Raider, a prepubescent wookie and the crappiest Stormtrooper I’ve ever laid eyes on. I hope they cut the waistbands of their underwear this morning because I sense some Galactic wedgies in their very near future.

WARMED UP MY WEDGIE HAND

Well well well, if it isn’t the Nerd Patrol. A (snigger) Tusken Raider, a prepubescent wookie and the crappiest Stormtrooper I’ve ever laid eyes on. I hope they cut the waistbands of their underwear this morning because I sense some Galactic wedgies in their very near future.

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FELT SORRY FOR HIM
I don’t know what the Hulk did to get kicked out of the Avengers but his new super team consists of a ginger kid and a Mexican child bride. HULK SMASH…. future career prospects.

FELT SORRY FOR HIM

I don’t know what the Hulk did to get kicked out of the Avengers but his new super team consists of a ginger kid and a Mexican child bride. HULK SMASH…. future career prospects.

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CALLED AN ADULT
Hey Luke Kidstalker, did you not see what just happened to Rolf Harris? And is that the same bowl cut you had when you used to bullseye womp rats in your T-16 back home when you were all of, like, eleven? Might be time for a new haircut big guy. 

CALLED AN ADULT

Hey Luke Kidstalker, did you not see what just happened to Rolf Harris? And is that the same bowl cut you had when you used to bullseye womp rats in your T-16 back home when you were all of, like, eleven? Might be time for a new haircut big guy. 

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FIGURED OUT WHO ATE ALL THE PIES
Jesus dude. You really let yourself go. Also, you’ve got gravy on your chin. Oh. You don’t care. Awesome. Hey what’s in your bag, is it pizza? I bet it’s pizza.

FIGURED OUT WHO ATE ALL THE PIES

Jesus dude. You really let yourself go. Also, you’ve got gravy on your chin. Oh. You don’t care. Awesome. Hey what’s in your bag, is it pizza? I bet it’s pizza.

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