What I Done

While you go to work and fumble around in that greasy till to scratch out a modest living for yourself, I am off doing things. Important things! Scary things! All kinds of . . . of things, man. All sorts of, y'know, stuff. Ferocious stuff.

(Found yourself misrepresented and want to letterhate me? Feel free. Know that I reserve the right to respond in kind though, so make sure you're prepped for retaliation before you commit. benny_barnett@yahoo.com.au)
June 4
RAILED Seriously, if ONE more Transformer takes a shit on my lawn I’m going to start kicking ass and taking names. Thoughtless metal pigs, the lot of them.

RAILED

Seriously, if ONE more Transformer takes a shit on my lawn I’m going to start kicking ass and taking names. Thoughtless metal pigs, the lot of them.

June 1
MISOGYNISED At some point in their lives everyone gets a little Daniel Day-Lewis and drunkenly threatens a woman. When it happens, try and choose one that won’t fight back. Three weeks of bowl-watching and there’s still no sign of that rape whistle she force-fed me from choke hold. If it hasn’t dissolved in my stomach I could be in real trouble here.

MISOGYNISED

At some point in their lives everyone gets a little Daniel Day-Lewis and drunkenly threatens a woman. When it happens, try and choose one that won’t fight back. Three weeks of bowl-watching and there’s still no sign of that rape whistle she force-fed me from choke hold. If it hasn’t dissolved in my stomach I could be in real trouble here.

May 31
GAVE A WIDE BERTH Sure, she might look like a well-accessorized package of hipstery good times but in my experience girls who double-fist Vitamin B from plastic schooeys are about as much fun as the Holocaust and twice as crazy.

GAVE A WIDE BERTH

Sure, she might look like a well-accessorized package of hipstery good times but in my experience girls who double-fist Vitamin B from plastic schooeys are about as much fun as the Holocaust and twice as crazy.

May 30
WENT TO JAIL Well, I can’t say I expected prison to be a cakewalk, but really? Who used that shitter last, the Incredible Hulk? I don’t want to touch anything in case I get hepatitis. Ha, just joking — already got it. Hell, I’mma be leaving more diseases in here than I’ll be getting.

WENT TO JAIL

Well, I can’t say I expected prison to be a cakewalk, but really? Who used that shitter last, the Incredible Hulk? I don’t want to touch anything in case I get hepatitis. Ha, just joking — already got it. Hell, I’mma be leaving more diseases in here than I’ll be getting.

May 29
REMINISCED ABOUT BOARDING SCHOOL Oh, those Oxford summers. Stirring debates and hackey sack in the quad, study all-nighters and smuggled Cutty Sark, rowing meets and getting sodomized by Sir in the boathouse. Halcyon days, all.

REMINISCED ABOUT BOARDING SCHOOL

Oh, those Oxford summers. Stirring debates and hackey sack in the quad, study all-nighters and smuggled Cutty Sark, rowing meets and getting sodomized by Sir in the boathouse. Halcyon days, all.

May 28
MET THE MARKET FOR RSVP.COM Wednesday. Another meal for one. Packed to the Rafters on the goggle box. Fifteen Persian cats fight over kibble bits in the laundry. In the distance, a meerkat howls.

MET THE MARKET FOR RSVP.COM

Wednesday. Another meal for one. Packed to the Rafters on the goggle box. Fifteen Persian cats fight over kibble bits in the laundry. In the distance, a meerkat howls.

May 27
GOT THE GREYHOUND See, this is why I never use bus station dunnies. Either a sea creature swam up the pipes and died in a random piss bowl or some homeless guy has the worst case of liverworm I’ve ever seen.

GOT THE GREYHOUND

See, this is why I never use bus station dunnies. Either a sea creature swam up the pipes and died in a random piss bowl or some homeless guy has the worst case of liverworm I’ve ever seen.

May 26
SHOPPED AT ANDY’S Aryan Andy might be a bigot but damn if he doesn’t have the freshest fruit and veg I’ve ever tasted. His Jap Pumpkins are pretty good but just wait til you try his Wogberries and Kike Limes. Change your life.

SHOPPED AT ANDY’S

Aryan Andy might be a bigot but damn if he doesn’t have the freshest fruit and veg I’ve ever tasted. His Jap Pumpkins are pretty good but just wait til you try his Wogberries and Kike Limes. Change your life.

May 25
FED THE GULLS Hey you know what you think would be funny but really kind of isn’t? Painting your fingers yellow and covering them with chicken salt to trick the seagulls down at Manly into thinking you’ve got chips but you really don’t have any chips and now you wish you did more finger painting as a child because you damn sure won’t be playing the piano ever again.

FED THE GULLS

Hey you know what you think would be funny but really kind of isn’t? Painting your fingers yellow and covering them with chicken salt to trick the seagulls down at Manly into thinking you’ve got chips but you really don’t have any chips and now you wish you did more finger painting as a child because you damn sure won’t be playing the piano ever again.

May 24
ENJOYED EVERY LAST LICK Ever had a corned beef sammich so god damn good it almost makes you forget that hooker you cut up that one time?

ENJOYED EVERY LAST LICK

Ever had a corned beef sammich so god damn good it almost makes you forget that hooker you cut up that one time?

May 23
LOST BUT WON It was a pretty awful accident. Sheared poor Graham here right in half. My sister and I rocked off –- I got the good part and she ended up with an ass and two hind legs that drags itself up and down her hallway all day long. Yeucch.

LOST BUT WON

It was a pretty awful accident. Sheared poor Graham here right in half. My sister and I rocked off –- I got the good part and she ended up with an ass and two hind legs that drags itself up and down her hallway all day long. Yeucch.

May 22
LOOKED HARD Come on man, you’re crazy. There’s just no way! If there was a person hiding somewhere in this photograph I think I’d waiiiitaminute, I see him! He’s right there, hiding in plain sight! Ha! Those Aboriginals, huh? Full of tricks. 

LOOKED HARD

Come on man, you’re crazy. There’s just no way! If there was a person hiding somewhere in this photograph I think I’d waiiiitaminute, I see him! He’s right there, hiding in plain sight! Ha! Those Aboriginals, huh? Full of tricks. 

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SUSPECTED These are my “are you a terrorist” eyes. Oh don’t act so indignant you damned pinkie tree-hugger, I think I know a terrorist when I see one. They’re those guys in the little white hats and aprons who carry those odd metal spoon things around. What? Shut up, they are too. Wait, really? Ice cream men? Then what the hell is a terrorist? Oh. Lesbians and anyone without a moustache. Right.

SUSPECTED

These are my “are you a terrorist” eyes. Oh don’t act so indignant you damned pinkie tree-hugger, I think I know a terrorist when I see one. They’re those guys in the little white hats and aprons who carry those odd metal spoon things around. What? Shut up, they are too. Wait, really? Ice cream men? Then what the hell is a terrorist? Oh. Lesbians and anyone without a moustache. Right.

May 21
SCROUNGED Well, I stand corrected, he COULD eat that whole appendix. I tell you, the things you find in hospital dumpsters. I’m still trying to work out what to do with this bag of cellulite. At the moment it’s a toss up between eBay and just guzzling the shit, consequences be damned.

SCROUNGED

Well, I stand corrected, he COULD eat that whole appendix. I tell you, the things you find in hospital dumpsters. I’m still trying to work out what to do with this bag of cellulite. At the moment it’s a toss up between eBay and just guzzling the shit, consequences be damned.

May 20
HIT THE HIGHWAY Nothing says “road trip” like the hot tang of urine in a sun-warm Corona bottle. The stuff’s basically piss anyway, it’s not like it makes much of a difference. What do you think the lime is for? It’s like pouring whisky on a war wound.

HIT THE HIGHWAY

Nothing says “road trip” like the hot tang of urine in a sun-warm Corona bottle. The stuff’s basically piss anyway, it’s not like it makes much of a difference. What do you think the lime is for? It’s like pouring whisky on a war wound.