What I Done

While you go to work and fumble around in that greasy till to scratch out a modest living for yourself, I am off doing things. Important things! Scary things! All kinds of . . . of things, man. All sorts of, y'know, stuff. Ferocious stuff.

(Found yourself misrepresented and want to letterhate me? Feel free. Know that I reserve the right to respond in kind though, so make sure you're prepped for retaliation before you commit. benny_barnett@yahoo.com.au)
HID THE GRAVY
There comes a point in being fat where the benefits of obesity begin to outweigh the health risks. Look at this guy. His gut is basically a life hack.

HID THE GRAVY

There comes a point in being fat where the benefits of obesity begin to outweigh the health risks. Look at this guy. His gut is basically a life hack.

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SEX CAMMED
We just paid some guy from Hoboken $50 to shave his chest and do a walrus impression. The boobs were an unexpected bonus.

SEX CAMMED

We just paid some guy from Hoboken $50 to shave his chest and do a walrus impression. The boobs were an unexpected bonus.

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MOVED TO ELIZABETH BAY
If the number of grown men drinking babycinos is anything to go by, I’m going to be very happy here.

MOVED TO ELIZABETH BAY

If the number of grown men drinking babycinos is anything to go by, I’m going to be very happy here.

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TRIED GREEK COFFEE
It was pretty punchy, you could really taste the spit. Could’ve used a little more tobacco though.

TRIED GREEK COFFEE

It was pretty punchy, you could really taste the spit. Could’ve used a little more tobacco though.

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DATED A ROMANIAN GIRL
Is it normal for a face to appear from inside a girl’s hair to grant you three wishes then steal your watch, wallet, rings, both fillings and one front tooth? Because I think I’m in love.

DATED A ROMANIAN GIRL

Is it normal for a face to appear from inside a girl’s hair to grant you three wishes then steal your watch, wallet, rings, both fillings and one front tooth? Because I think I’m in love.

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LOOSENED MY PANTS
BBQ ribs and slim Filipino men. Best. Birthday. Ever.

LOOSENED MY PANTS

BBQ ribs and slim Filipino men. Best. Birthday. Ever.

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SUSPECTED
There’s something about an old bald guy in sandals and short shorts quietly watering his pot plants that screams “sex offender” louder than nineteen crying five year-olds in his pantry ever could.

SUSPECTED

There’s something about an old bald guy in sandals and short shorts quietly watering his pot plants that screams “sex offender” louder than nineteen crying five year-olds in his pantry ever could.

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MISSED THE ORGY BOAT
My spray tan took longer than expected and I got to the pier too late. Probably shouldn’t have stopped in for that colonic either.

MISSED THE ORGY BOAT

My spray tan took longer than expected and I got to the pier too late. Probably shouldn’t have stopped in for that colonic either.

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MISSED OUT ON THE RAPTURE
The best bit about not being Chosen? All the free shoes I want! Although judging by some of the empty kicks lying around, there’s an awful lot of Big Issues for sale in Heaven right now.

MISSED OUT ON THE RAPTURE

The best bit about not being Chosen? All the free shoes I want! Although judging by some of the empty kicks lying around, there’s an awful lot of Big Issues for sale in Heaven right now.

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MEDIATED
The stems of my house plant had a big fight and now they’re not talking. Kourtney called Kim fat and Kim said Khloe has bitchy resting face and Khloe said Kourtney is hogging all the good nutrients from the dirt. The dirt is Kris Jenner.

MEDIATED

The stems of my house plant had a big fight and now they’re not talking. Kourtney called Kim fat and Kim said Khloe has bitchy resting face and Khloe said Kourtney is hogging all the good nutrients from the dirt. The dirt is Kris Jenner.

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FOUND THIS TERRIFYING CLOWN MURAL
No matter where you stand, his eyes look at your junk.

FOUND THIS TERRIFYING CLOWN MURAL

No matter where you stand, his eyes look at your junk.

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RAN A BATH
To enjoy a really good bath you need some partially-undressed Barbie dolls, The Little Mermaid, and a lemon juicer. Shh, don’t ask questions. Just put this lipstick on and get undressed while I go fetch the turkey baster.

RAN A BATH

To enjoy a really good bath you need some partially-undressed Barbie dolls, The Little Mermaid, and a lemon juicer. Shh, don’t ask questions. Just put this lipstick on and get undressed while I go fetch the turkey baster.

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FISHED IN PEACE
Thanks to new council regulations the pier is now off limits to mall cops, Justin Bieber, fat lazy people, Justin Bieber, Greens politicians hosting positive press junkets, and Justin Bieber. Maybe now the fish will come back, too.

FISHED IN PEACE

Thanks to new council regulations the pier is now off limits to mall cops, Justin Bieber, fat lazy people, Justin Bieber, Greens politicians hosting positive press junkets, and Justin Bieber. Maybe now the fish will come back, too.

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REMEMBERED A TIME WHEN COCKTAILS MEANT SOMETHING
Maybe I’m just getting sentimental, but I remember a time when men could clock off work and head straight to the bar in their suits and hats and waistcoats and drink whisky and vodka for four hours with other men and then stumble home and yell at their wife and kick the cat and wake up on the couch with a head like a plane crash and get up and do it all again the next day. What happened to the good ol’ days? Where have all the cowboys gone?

REMEMBERED A TIME WHEN COCKTAILS MEANT SOMETHING

Maybe I’m just getting sentimental, but I remember a time when men could clock off work and head straight to the bar in their suits and hats and waistcoats and drink whisky and vodka for four hours with other men and then stumble home and yell at their wife and kick the cat and wake up on the couch with a head like a plane crash and get up and do it all again the next day. What happened to the good ol’ days? Where have all the cowboys gone?

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SMACKED HIM
Where the hell have you been? You disappear for three days now you show up with glitter in your fur and more eyeliner than Jared Leto. Plus you smell like lube. Jesus.

SMACKED HIM

Where the hell have you been? You disappear for three days now you show up with glitter in your fur and more eyeliner than Jared Leto. Plus you smell like lube. Jesus.

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