What I Done

While you go to work and fumble around in that greasy till to scratch out a modest living for yourself, I am off doing things. Important things! Scary things! All kinds of . . . of things, man. All sorts of, y'know, stuff. Ferocious stuff.

(Found yourself misrepresented and want to letterhate me? Feel free. Know that I reserve the right to respond in kind though, so make sure you're prepped for retaliation before you commit. benny_barnett@yahoo.com.au)
SAW A BUSTED HILLS HOIST AND THE DEATH OF THE GREAT AUSTRALIAN DREAM
The only better metaphor for the unaffordability of home ownership in this country would be a platypus choking to death on a packet of imitation Iced Vo-Vos in the back of a Chinese restaurant.

SAW A BUSTED HILLS HOIST AND THE DEATH OF THE GREAT AUSTRALIAN DREAM

The only better metaphor for the unaffordability of home ownership in this country would be a platypus choking to death on a packet of imitation Iced Vo-Vos in the back of a Chinese restaurant.

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MOVED TO MANCHESTER
There’s no better place in the world to get glassed in the face by a pregnant six year-old alcoholic with fake tits and an e-cigarette filled with heroin.

MOVED TO MANCHESTER

There’s no better place in the world to get glassed in the face by a pregnant six year-old alcoholic with fake tits and an e-cigarette filled with heroin.

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INVITED HER TO A CHURCH TO BREAK UP WITH HER
Well, here she comes. This will go one of two ways – either holy ground will stop her laying the smack down, or I’ll end up in traction worse than last time. If you hear someone shrieking “SANCTUARY!” with what sounds like a crushed windpipe, call an ambulance then get the fuck out of there.

INVITED HER TO A CHURCH TO BREAK UP WITH HER

Well, here she comes. This will go one of two ways ā€“ either holy ground will stop her laying the smack down, or I’ll end up in traction worse than last time. If you hear someone shrieking “SANCTUARY!” with what sounds like a crushed windpipe, call an ambulance then get the fuck out of there.

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SIGNED UP FOR A FITNESS FIRST GUEST PASS, ENTERED HELL
Welcome to thrice-daily phone calls from guys with names like Chaz and Toby and a relentless avalanche of passive-aggressive emails and facebook friend requests. This morning I found footprints from a pair of Air Max in the garden bed outside my window. They never stop. I can’t keep living like this. Maybe… maybe I’ll just buy the damn membership.

SIGNED UP FOR A FITNESS FIRST GUEST PASS, ENTERED HELL

Welcome to thrice-daily phone calls from guys with names like Chaz and Toby and a relentless avalanche of passive-aggressive emails and facebook friend requests. This morning I found footprints from a pair of Air Max in the garden bed outside my window. They never stop. I can’t keep living like this. Maybe… maybe I’ll just buy the damn membership.

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BOUGHT GLASSES, HUNG OUT IN DARLINGHURST
Not only do they look extra crispy, they also pick up AM radio, have a QR code reader, and beep whenever a passer by is thinking about karate chopping me in the peanuts.

BOUGHT GLASSES, HUNG OUT IN DARLINGHURST

Not only do they look extra crispy, they also pick up AM radio, have a QR code reader, and beep whenever a passer by is thinking about karate chopping me in the peanuts.

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GOT PUT IN THE REMEDIAL CLASS
I sit next to Brad. Mrs Gympie asked him to draw a rainbow with crayons and instead he grabbed some safety scissors and cut out what I think is meant to be a fish. Brad doesn’t like wearing rubber underwear so now we have a toilet in the classroom with a bell that goes off when you use it right. I’m pretty close to making that bell go off, I just know it.

GOT PUT IN THE REMEDIAL CLASS

I sit next to Brad. Mrs Gympie asked him to draw a rainbow with crayons and instead he grabbed some safety scissors and cut out what I think is meant to be a fish. Brad doesn’t like wearing rubber underwear so now we have a toilet in the classroom with a bell that goes off when you use it right. I’m pretty close to making that bell go off, I just know it.

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GOT BACK IN THE GAME POST-DIVORCE
Does dating always end with one person weeping quietly and doing Opal Nera shots alone at the bar? It’s been so long I can hardly remember if this is normal. One thing I do know for sure is that Panama hats will never go out of fashion.

GOT BACK IN THE GAME POST-DIVORCE

Does dating always end with one person weeping quietly and doing Opal Nera shots alone at the bar? It’s been so long I can hardly remember if this is normal. One thing I do know for sure is that Panama hats will never go out of fashion.

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WENT BROTHEL-CREEPING
I can’t tell if this is the door to a flop shop or a playhouse showing West Side Story. Either way, tonight is ending in tragedy.

WENT BROTHEL-CREEPING

I can’t tell if this is the door to a flop shop or a playhouse showing West Side Story. Either way, tonight is ending in tragedy.

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WON BIG BROTHER 6: PIRATE ISLAND
As the only surviving members of the treehouse we won a treasure chest full of loot, a guest spot on The Project, and Caribbean encephalitis, which the producers forgot to innoculate us for.

WON BIG BROTHER 6: PIRATE ISLAND

As the only surviving members of the treehouse we won a treasure chest full of loot, a guest spot on The Project, and Caribbean encephalitis, which the producers forgot to innoculate us for.

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VISITED ITALY
Italians are more comfortable with their bodies than any other nationality. They’re more comfortable with other people’s bodies too, if the number of times I got felt up at the train station are any indication.

VISITED ITALY

Italians are more comfortable with their bodies than any other nationality. They’re more comfortable with other people’s bodies too, if the number of times I got felt up at the train station are any indication.

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SAT IN THE FRONT GARDEN EATING SAUSAGES
Maybe I just felt like it, and maybe someone needed to be taught a lesson.

SAT IN THE FRONT GARDEN EATING SAUSAGES

Maybe I just felt like it, and maybe someone needed to be taught a lesson.

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SHOT CHEFS
Forget firemen calendars – snoring! – the red hot stocking filler this Christmas is Men Of The Kitchen: Sweaty Saucepan Jockeys Sans Deodorant. Mum will love it. Buy ten.

SHOT CHEFS

Forget firemen calendars ā€“ snoring! ā€“ the red hot stocking filler this Christmas is Men Of The Kitchen: Sweaty Saucepan Jockeys Sans Deodorant. Mum will love it. Buy ten.

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HID THE GRAVY
There comes a point in being fat where the benefits of obesity begin to outweigh the health risks. Look at this guy. His gut is basically a life hack.

HID THE GRAVY

There comes a point in being fat where the benefits of obesity begin to outweigh the health risks. Look at this guy. His gut is basically a life hack.

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SEX CAMMED
We just paid some guy from Hoboken $50 to shave his chest and do a walrus impression. The boobs were an unexpected bonus.

SEX CAMMED

We just paid some guy from Hoboken $50 to shave his chest and do a walrus impression. The boobs were an unexpected bonus.

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MOVED TO ELIZABETH BAY
If the number of grown men drinking babycinos is anything to go by, I’m going to be very happy here.

MOVED TO ELIZABETH BAY

If the number of grown men drinking babycinos is anything to go by, Iā€™m going to be very happy here.

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